Unlocking Ankles

So I’ve been busy traveling. And writing (for me writing entails statistical analysis and writing, but I just say writing to my friends and family because it’s easier to comprehend when I say “I’m locked away writing” rather than “I’m writing a .do file trying to figure out propensity score matching”. LOL.) Anyway, after my short “vacation” in DC, I went to Philly for a two day training to become a reviewer for this clearinghouse where they try to identify really good education studies and synthesize the information for practitioners. This was as tedious as it sounds.

I told y’all I’ve been becoming more fascinated with spiritual stuff. Well anyway, the last Friday I was in DC, I was, umm, reminded of some old not so positive memories. This is cryptic, sorry. Lol. I woke up on Saturday and I COULD NOT WALK. My left ankle was magically sprained. I had a climbed through a window earlier in the week—don’t ask, but other than that I have no idea how this happened. The night before, a couple of my prophytes and me had stayed up drinking wine with my parents. Ever since they turned that last tuition payment for the Diva, they have really been so much less stressed you can see it and feel it. Anyway, I was fine. But Saturday AM, I was HURTING. To the point where I basically was crawling. I looked into my Louise Hay book and she says that ankle injuries are the result of not being able to receive pleasure or not being able to move forward. Coincidence? I think not.

Somehow I managed to get on the plane to the Chi, and then to Philly the next day. Sunday night, I was chatting with J, N’s law school friend who is now pursuing a PhD in metaphysics, and she said “what time are you going to bed?” I said about an hour. She sent me an email about putting thoughts into actions. When I woke up, I had another email waiting entitled “feedback”. She had conducted a spiritual healing on me. You can find her here.

My ankle was healed. Sprains do not go away in two days. I had no pain in Philly. J is my guru. All of the stuff she said I had been carrying around was true. I view this is an aligning of events—I started thinking about energies and chakras last summer when I was hard core power yoga-ing in Santa Monica. I would not have been in Santa Monica had I chosen to stay home for my PhD, because I would have played it safe and if I had gone to RAND, would have gone to the DC office. And this new way of thinking works well with my Catholic beliefs which I take pretty seriously. Not the political oppressing women stuff lol, just the idea that you can always start fresh if you repent, and that love is the basis of everything.

I’m feeling good. I left the house after a two year stint—they wanted me to stay around another year, but I need to return to adult land. So I am back living by the beach in a lovely apartment I have deemed the “dissertation oasis”.

What else? The Hangover is massively, insanely, absurdly funny. SERIOUSLY.

Rneezi’s BFF got her hood, so she’s Dr. Rneezi’s BFF…and Rneezi is Dr. Rneezi and moved to DC for her residency. So we’ll be united this time next year.

A lot of my peeps are coming for the Taste next week, so I’m on punishment this week to pre-atone for my sins.

Yay

C.

Small update

I’m in DC for a bit and I am having a blast. I came home for the Diva’s graduation party and then for the annual conference my fellowship sponsors. It’s going well so far. And it's my last (required) one.

First of all, the grad party was a blast. We had crabs, wine, cake, nummy. Some small but hilarious drama popped off at the end. The Diva’s BFF’s boyfriend took a champagne bottle outside and broke it, so we’re all like “HELL TO THE NO”. Then, because she said we were too stuck up to handle it, our neighbor’s relative was like outside going off but kept coming in the house telling us about her man in jail. LOL. It’s a long story which I don’t feel like telling but we all went to bed at like 4. After my mother told us if we didn’t settle down she was calling the police. Ha ha snort.

So on Sunday evening I had to present a poster at the conference. This went well, except I was standing on these insane shoes for two hours.

After that, Ti and I went to see a band on U Street, and then watched the game at Ben’s Next Door, and then went to Bar Louie.

I always said the only thing the Chi has that DC doesn’t have is Bar Louise and now we have one. Ahem.

Anyway, I’m here for a bit, then back to the chi and then off to Philly. Then I have to stay my ass in one place and write my ass off.

But life is good. Oh, and I'm not doing things for people that they wouldn't do for me. LIBERATING. Try it. ;)

Ta ta

c dizzle

Feeling GoooooOooOd

I just got back from NY, and I have to say I had a blast. It was the Diva's *college* graduation. Yes we are old. The trip was exactly what I needed. Our hotel was in midtown, and my cousins were in town too. I got sleep, I partied, I spent time with family, I'm happy.

I am in a good place. I saw sometime that I hadn't seen in awhile, and it was, umm, on bad terms when I saw her last (lol) and I had zero emotional reaction. This was good. I had a feeling it would happen while I was NY because that is how my life operates. HA.

Anyway I have been pursuing spiritual pursuits via self help books for a few years now, and right now I'm reading "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise L Hay. I am working on my thoughts to attract some fresh energy in my life. I realize a great deal of the chaos I was experiencing was through people I had attracted into my life. And me putting up with it.

So I am yoga-ing and meditating. And dissertating. LOL

c dot

Vindication. (a little)

So through an odd sequence of events, I am ta-ing intro to stats (the undergrads are animals), even though I a) swore I would never TA again, and b) do not have to TA because of my fellowship. Someone else was supposed to do it, and that person couldn't, and then someone else couldn't so they asked me. It's actually not half bad. I get a reminder of stuff I take for granted when I'm doing research, and I am fairly certain I could teach it myself should I choose to be a professor.

Anyway, that's not the point. The point is one of the other TA's just had a run in with old crazy advisor. He was out of line about something that was just so ridiculous. Anyway, she was really upset so she pulls me to the side to talk about it. Apparently the rumor is that I told him to "f*ck off".

That's not true, LOL. It's hilarious that people think that, but that's not what happened. After a a school year of basically making my work environment and thus the rest of my life toxic, after I politely told him I would not be working for him anymore, he sent me *the* most insane email, to which I replied. While I did not say "f*ck off" , I did say, in so many words, I don't care if you have a nobel prize, you don't need to be popping off at the mouth like that. Anyhoo, it was this big dramatic thing that has really cast a shadow over my studies here. No one stood up for me, the then program chair was unhelpful, and anytime I have to interact with a faculty member, I have to wonder whether he got to them first. This is not something you need to be wondering about the faculty of your PhD program.

Anyway, all of this has been weighing on me, directly and indirectly since my first year. I have just been feeling like whether this has all been worth it (I am being dramatic, of course it is (RIGHT?? LOL)). On top of the fact that I am not a fan of the Chi, it has felt like a cloud is following me around.

Back to the story. So this woman comes and tells me her struggles with slim, and I am like-- of course. It happens every year with him, he makes people cry (not me-- to him anyway lol), he is unethical, just absurd... The twist is, now the dean wants people to come tell her their experiences. I kid you not, like 6 people came forward, not just from our program. Post docs, PhD students, undergrads, etc. She probably can't do anything, but it feels nice to be *heard*.

That is the one thing I have been missing. I just needed someone to *hear* me. I thought when they made him program chair it was a big f*ck you to the students, but I guess they had to do something with him.

So this has helped my meantime be a little more enjoyable. This, and the fact that I have detached myself from the outcome. I am going to finish. It is going to be ok. Struggling for no reason is not.


more later-- i have new york and dc coming up. need some summer trips out of ev-iL. No santa monica this year. maybe later for permanent. we'll see.

tootles

Busy.

Let’s see. Where are we? I had thee longest week ever last week. Easter started off all wrong because I was homesick. Easter is like my favorite holiday. Anyway, because of my ban on African American young professional events, I have been spending a lot of time with myself. This has been fun, but at times, unless I am struck with the urge to dissertate, I am bored. So I was bored Saturday night, and was having a hilarious conversation with J over BBM, when I get the rudest, most absurd text message from someone. (lol)

Anyway, it’s just like Groundhog Day, when you keep reminding why you and a person just don’t get along. Except for the beginning I was really taking it personally, I was REALLY upset. For some dumb ass reason I had sort of worked it out in my head where I always forgive this person for the things he does. I don’t know, I think I was holding on to a friendship that was clearly not there. Just not seeing the person for who they are. I was shaking, I vomited I was not feeling well, I was late to church, homesick. When I told J about she then cursed me out and said “I’ve heard this from you before, so I need to know why he is in your life. He is a terrible human being”. LOL. And that pretty much sums it up. So then I was able to talk myself off the edge (it doesn’t take me much to get there…I am hoping post graduate school life will return me to some type of normalcy).

I did some ceiling staring in the afternoon and then took myself out to the movies later. I scared the piss out of myself watching A Haunting in Connecticut. Part of the issue here is that I get lots of corrective and or negative feedback at school. Well not negative, but that’s what research is, you have to keep doing sh*t over and over again until someone tells you it’s ok. And until you are a PhD you have this huge thing hanging over your head. You need some reassurance from somewhere else. You don’t want negative people in your life. There’s just no room for it.

Anyway, last week was just so busy because I had a few different things going on. I have my little side business happening, I am TA-ing again (this is the last time I swear—oh I have some money for next year, whoop), and there were two conferences, one for the policy institute here, and then the black grad student conference, where I presented some research,and also helped to plan. Anyway, so it was a long busy week, and I was not happy with the way it started.

In the middle of all this, on Tuesday, officemate and I had to go to something at 5:30, but we found ourselves worn out. We were lamenting about the state of our PhD student lives, the men in them, when we decided to get some margaritas. Here I should mention that it is still cold and gray. I am dark brown (milk chocolate, if you will) and I can see my veins--this should be cause for effing concern. PEOPLE NEED VITAMIN D (i.e. sun) TO BE HAPPY. THERE IS NOT ENOUGH SUN IN CHICAGO. So anyway, we got tipsy and then went to a talk on civic engagement. Hilarity ensued. There was this silly econ PhD there asking these crazy questions. Lots of giggling.

Also last week, Rneezi’s best friend defended her dissertation. I unlifted my ban to celebrate with her and ended up skinning my knee. The night before I had to present. Ugh.

So not much more to report. Posting will light. I have so much sh*t to get done. Nothing fun and social to share.

Ttfn

Post Carlotta

Oh let’s see. Where are we? I am waiting for something to get approved so I can move forward with something else. Story of my life. My post CIAA life has been a little--well a lot --on the sucky side. I spent last weekend learning how to do this one statistical procedure in SAS, and then was advised to go in another direction. Ok. Well then.

I have however been sticking to my no African American young professional events in Chicago dictum. I’m NOT doing it. I had an exception on St. Patty’s day--but I wasn’t driving. I was also accidentally with someone who had on apple bottom jeans…so, umm, yeah. That was not a context I would have selected myself into, so it doesn’t count.

Last weekend I hung with Dr. O. I just adore her. This is the one doing the ob gyn residency here at NU. She keeps it real, at all costs. Anyhoo we went to eat on Old Town and failed miserably at making our own margaritas. Like we couldn’t work the blender. It was a extremely hilarious. Couldn’t figure out how much ice, how much mix, and then ended up with strawberry margarita mix all over the counter. So basically we had chilled margaritas. No matter, her apartment looks over Lake Michigan, so you can’t get too worked up about anything up there.

Anyway, we were lamenting about something I have been trying to figure out but I have not quite been able to put the words to--and it is the reason I cut a whole bunch of folks out of my life. She is getting married next summer (yay-- I think I’m about to be in wedding hell again, lol) and her brothers are acting like idiots about it. Well we basically came up with this theory about how when you are the smart or capable child no one wants to see your “humanness”, so to speak. The Diva and I are not getting along because a while ago--I think I wrote about it-- right in the middle of this HUGE family drama we were having-- called me to tell me she was mad that when I stayed at her house I wore one of her dresses and some other dumb, stupid, irrelevant sh*t. This was like literally, as I was being cursed at and called everything but a child of God by a VERY close relative who is known to have serious anger management problems. The conversation, as you can imagine, devolved from there into a three day long argument from which we have not fully recovered. You are my sister why are you not calling to see if I’m ok? I know it seems like I have it all together but damn, I’m a person. Although she is my sister, she is not the only person who claims to be love and care about me that has done this. When someone is stressed or down…that is not the appropriate time to tell them “about themselves”. Particularly right now for me anyway. I just don’t have the reservoir to deal. So you will get cut off. And I’m not playing about that either. If I say I’m not talking to you for 6 months to a year, then I’m not. In PhD time, that’s really nothing, so it’s not hard on my end. LOL. So yeah, that’s our theory. The Diva did get me a set of MAC brushes at Christmas, so…LOL. (The new Hello Kitty collection has hurt my pockets-- it’s ok though I zero balanced my credit cards--whoot)

She is graduating from college in two months, by the way. Yes, we are old-ish. My parents, who are very excited that they have no more college tuition to pay, are planning this like week long extravaganza in Manhattan. I know it’s going to be madness. The ghetto cousins are coming too. Sigh.

Nonetheless, I am good. I have decided to not give into my traveling urges for awhile because I need my proposal to be done.

What else? I need to stop hanging around black women that are older than me and that are single. I hate to say that, but it’s true. You get into the language and then you start feeling bad for something that is not even your own reality.

I have this new yoga-for-your-life plan that I’m starting today. I’ll keep you posted.

I <3 Carlotta

I carried my ass to Charlotte last weekend and I still recovering.

I heart Charlotte. I double heart the CI-blasted AA’s. (Side note: ask me who won the tournament…I don’t even know who was playing. LOL) The entire trip was total madness. It was a smaller portion of the usual suspects—me, b-rocka, J13 and Dr. Dre. This really served to enhance the fun because it is much easier to have hi jinks when there is a smaller amount of people. Not to say that we didn’t miss everyone, but it was an enhanced level of fun. We always compare our weekends to this time in 04 (lol) when we went to Bahamas and had SO MUCH FUN. This Charlotte trip was Bahamas level fun.

There was no shoe throwing, or any other madness this year, which was great. I slept probably, oh, 8 hours the entire weekend. Highlights include the –day- party where we ended partying with the most fun guys on the planet. There was some couch dancing. I was sitting on the edge of the VIP, which was like overlooking the rest of the club—this is as close to nirvana as it gets for me. If there had been a closed caption TV with CNN I would have never left the club lol. A gentleman to my right was making it rain. (No one is acting like it’s a recession lol) These women were RUNNING to pick it up. Like diving. Later one of our new friends who is an ex NFL player described the efficient and effective way to make it rain so that your dollar bills float up into a little cloud and float down onto, umm, women. LOL. Mind you, this was at 5:00 pm. We still went out and partied later that night.

After the Charlotte fun, I went to Durham to visit Rneezi and others. Rneezi had just gotten back from Spain the previous day so she couldn’t join us. (She was there doing a rotation in emergency medicine—I don’t even have to talk about how effing fabulous that is). We had a nice time, except it was snowing in NC. WTF? I thought I had left that sh*t here in the hellhole.

What else. Making progress. It is mildly/extremely exciting that I getting closer to being Dr. C Dot. It doesn’t feel like I have been here that long. But I have. Weird.

I got some elucidation on the male thought process, although I must say I think men are extremely confusing, just from a right vs. wrong standpoint. If you are married why are you harassing me via Facebook (and why the f*ck is it so ghetto now)? And why are getting mad when I threaten to tell your wife? My guy friend was like you should take it as a compliment and not get so upset. Umm no. What the hell type backwards ass thinking is that? Le sigh.

Some other fun things. But I’ll keep them to myself for now.

Ta ta